Revised Introduction

This post will consist of my revised introduction for my project 2 draft.

"Door With Cat Hole" Via Wikimedia Public Domain

Original draft Intro:  In the aftermath of a high profile security breach, fingers will inevitably be pointed and questions will need answering. In the case of one recent cyber attack, author Theodore Schliefer argues that the finger should point back at the United States, with their lack of action as the main issue.  In his article, Schliefer draws on extensive use of expert opinions and firsthand accounts of those affected to support the validity of his views.  These rhetorical techniques are relied on throughout the article to build both his logical credibility and the emotional relatability to the audience by highlighting the emotion of those affected by the cyber crime.

Revised Intro: In the aftermath of a security breach of a "magnitude greater than any we have seen of its kind", tensions are high and accusations are abundant. In this uneasy time, author Theodore Schliefer makes the argument that the blame should rest upon America and their lack of countermeasures.  Rhetoric is essential to this argument,  and Schliefer utilizes it in a variety of ways to persuade and influence his readers.  In this essay I will analyze the various techniques such as use of expert opinion and firsthand accounts help to support his argument from a logical and emotional standpoint.


I prefer my second version because it is more direct, and more to the point.  It also has a more effective attention grabber. It uses phrases like "In this essay I will" which is definitely less passive phrasing.